Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don’t touch a drop. Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don’t smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don’t do drugs. Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven’t touched a woman in my life. Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.
So, Quasimodo has been ringing the bell at Notre Dame for years, and wants a vacation. He asks the Sexton for a week off.
The Sexton says yes, but asks Quasimodo to select and train a temp to do the job while Quasimodo is on vacation. He selects his twin brother, who has no arms. The brother learns to ring the bell by running into it with his face. Painful, but effective.
His second day on the job he misses the bell and falls to his death on the plaza below. Two witnesses run up. One asks “Who is he?”
“I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell” replies the first.
“Now that you mention it, he’s a dead ringer for his brother” says the second.
“Doctor, doctor, I’m so worried,” said the anxious man.
“Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just beenOn their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts.
The price is still $10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs after an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?”
The man replied, “St Louis.”
“Really,” she said.
“I have family in St Louis.”
“I know,” the man said.
“Your sister died, and I am her lawyer.
She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”
18 year old Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a small mountain.
Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your p@nties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘pen!s.’
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
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